The Islam of today didn’t bring anything good into my life. I only had misery, guilt and fear to live with for a long time. I hated Islam and the Muslim’s God. I only saw him as Vengeful, Denying, Punitive, Disdainful, Condemning, Vindictive and Despising God who has been torturing me, making fun of me and enjoying it. After all he was the one who brought me in a place where I didn’t belong. The family I was born in and the country and the house we lived in were like a jail fortified with barred windows, many male guards and layers of physical and psychological walls (religious and social). He plays a lot of favoritism games where he favored the bad people (who pretended to be good) and favors men over women. He is so sick that he likes to incite people against each other and make them kill each other while he is sitting somewhere laughing joyfully at us. He takes our beloved ones but leaves the abusers to live free. Nonetheless, he blatantly demands us to worship him and pray for salvation that we may or may not get, depending on his whims.
One day I reached my limit because of all that BS and snapped out. I said “F#$K you God. I hate you! I will not pray or worship someone I hate anymore. You want to punish me? You want to put me in hell? Bring it on. I lived my life so far in hell anyway. Give me your best”. I stopped praying, fasting, reading Qur’an, removed my Hijab (head cover), started drinking and living a sinner’s life (meaning, I wasn’t following the current Islam teachings).
Well, I am still living a “sinner’s” life but I am still alive and happy. I am living fearlessly and without guilt (except the remnants negative effects from my upbringing). I do have challenges in life because that is how life should be, but now I have faith that I am loved and protected by God, aka The Universe, and that he will guide me to the right direction. Why am I saying this? How did I have a change of heart and believed in God again? Why I am talking about God in a good way? How did this happen?